Bad Advice with Kitty Pryde - via Noisey
At the moment, I’m on tour with Danny Brown, which has so much downtime (read: watch-other-people-smoke-weed time) that I’ve started cultivating sociology theories to include in the book I plan on writing about the weird and unexpected shit rappers do. We haven’t even been on the road for a week yet, but I’ve already got so much material; the most interesting being the polarity of Danny’s female fanbase, which can be neatly divided into groups that I’ve dubbed the “Quiverers” and the “Gropers”.
Quiverers are born of the net and probably will read all of this article, even though I feel like it’s going to end up very long. They watched Danny’s documentary on Pitchfork like 40 times and draw very intricate portraits of him with colored pencils and have Xs on their hands. They analyze his lyrics from a tongue-in-cheek standpoint and laugh about his wit. I like talking to these girls because they are my kin and when I do, they either scoff at me because I’m not that cool online or they get all weird and don’t know what to say. They pay $75 to meet Danny before the show, and when he puts his arm around them in a picture, they quiver.
Gropers watch a lot of MTV and tweet about fucking A$AP Rocky until YouTube recommends them “I Will”, which they listen to like 500 times and don’t pay attention to anything else. They take everything Danny raps about 100% literally, and assume that before the show we are all backstage licking molly off each other’s buttholes. They often wear tube tops, even in Michigan where it was cold as fuck and sometimes they come back to our hotel with “us”. Usually I like them- they all try to suck up to me for some reason- and because I feel like everyone should have the chance to seduce their favorite rapper I’ve even parked their cars for them when they’re too drunk to drive.
I fuck with both these groups of girls heavily, because Danny is great and I want him to have fans that appreciate his intelligence and also fans that will show him their boobs, because I want him to have everything he wants.
I also know what he wants. Danny Brown, like anyone else, wants to be respected as an artist and a human. Like any other male, especially those in the public eye and especially those who spend a lot of time talking about licking vaginas, he also wants to be respected as a “man” (which I put in quotation marks because my ideal man is currently at our home in NYC, lighting cupcake scented candles and taking bubble baths). But we all know what happened last week at our show in Minneapolis, an event that we are currently referring to in the bus as “The Thing” because we all kind of want to forget about it, and ever since the universal level of respect for Danny has gone from “we all think he’s awesome” to some people thinking he’s way more awesome than they should and others thinking he’s way less awesome than he is. This bothers me a lot. Him too, but mostly me. I’m mad as hell, to be honest.
I’m mad that a person thought it was okay to pull another person’s pants down during their performance in front of about 700 other people. I’m mad that a person thought it was a good idea to perform a sex act on another person without their consent. I’m mad that nobody made her leave. I’m mad that Danny had to actually wonder what he was supposed to do at that point. I’m mad that when I went home and said I had no respect for that girl, I was attacked for being a “slut-shamer” (after literally leading a girl to his hotel room at 3 am at her request) and, even more outrageously, for being JEALOUS OF THE GIRL WHO SUCKED HIS DICK. I’m mad that when two dudes pulled MY pants down onstage, other people got mad, too- but when it happened to Danny, the initial reaction was like one big high-five. I’m mad that people are treating The Thing like it’s some legendary event. I’m mad that even though they know exactly who the girl is, nobody in the media will even talk to her. I’m mad that I get a bunch of emails a day asking me to talk about my best friend’s “misogyny” and “classless behavior”, from people who have heard only rumors and seen only one very blurry and inconclusive iPhone photo.
I won’t go into detail about the actual events, because I was pretty drunk and I don’t want to tell the wrong story but I will say that it happened so quickly that nobody I talked to after the show even knew anything had happened (there was only ONE PHOTO and no video…how rare is that). I will also say that whoever wrote on Reddit that Danny was “walking around the stage getting girls to grab his dick” is 100% false, and to blame someone for their own molestation is a shitty thing to do. Anybody who is exaggerating this tale to climax is also a lying fool, and to call it a blow job is even going a bit far because it was probably the fastest thing I’ve ever seen. The Thing was not a Thing that Danny facilitated- it was an ACTUAL sexual assault, and somehow nobody gives a fuck about that but me.
Is it because a girl did it to a guy? Probably. I said this on my blog, but I’ll say it again- I had my pants ripped off onstage, and didn’t know what to do either because being naked in front of 1000 people is incredibly scary and there’s not much quick decision-making happening in your brain during that sort of thing. Now I’m prepared to kick a motherfucker in the teeth if he touches me AT ALL, and I equip myself with giant boots for that reason. What is Danny supposed to do? The girl was at mouth-to-dick level already and to push her away, he would have had to either pushed her face or kicked her, and even the most gentle of either motion would immediately be labeled “abuse” by anyone watching. Guys pushing girls is not a good look when people are taking photos. So what was Danny supposed to do, other than back away, which he did? And if he HAD figured out a way to gently push the girl off him immediately without looking like he was smacking her in the face, he’s faced with attacks on his masculinity by every douchebro in the building. Yo dude, you don’t want your dick sucked, bro? Are you gay? Haha you’re gay you don’t want girls to suck your dick haha gay dude bro man swag! And that’s a rapper’s literal nightmare.
So now we all sit in this van and play videogames and check our Twitter mentions and don’t speak at all of The Thing, because it’s all we’re getting tweeted and it’s very lame. First of all, accusing me of being jealous is hilarious, because I’m like getting married and whatever and also, I have no qualms with sluts. I love sluts. I’d walk a slut walk if I liked my body enough. Also, does Minnesota have that little going on, is this really the biggest headline they have? (Yes) And even so, why doesn’t Ricky Smiley or whoever just TALK to this girl? They know her name, some asshole posted it. There’s a photo of her right before it happened that the pros down at Reddit have thoroughly investigated and identified as the perp. I know why- because everyone wants the option of blaming it on Danny, because people can’t accept the fact that a white girl raped a black dude in front of a bunch of people.
We all read To Kill a Mockingbird, and if we didn’t read it we at least read the SparkNotes, so unfortunately I am sure this girl will never be brought to justice anywhere besides my stupid Tumblr. But to watch my best friend go through this weird racist/sexist sensationalism is 1% exciting and 99% heartbreaking, and I feel like actual Scout Finch at the moment so I will leave you with this statement-
I am a small white girl who DOES have society’s permission to at least attempt to beat your ass.
A Short Post on Rape Prevention (via stfuconservatives)
If owning a gun and knowing how to use it worked, the military would be the safest place for a woman. It’s not.
If women covering up their bodies worked, Afghanistan would have a lower rate of sexual assault than Polynesia. It doesn’t.
If not drinking alcohol worked, children would not be raped. They are.
If your advice to a woman to avoid rape is to be the most modestly dressed, soberest and first to go home, you may as well add “so the rapist will choose someone else”.
If your response to hearing a woman has been raped is “she didn’t have to go to that bar/nightclub/party” you are saying that you want bars, nightclubs and parties to have no women in them. Unless you want the women to show up, but wear kaftans and drink orange juice. Good luck selling either of those options to your friends.
Or you could just be honest and say that you don’t want less rape, you want (even) less prosecution of rapists.
When people scoff at the message that we need to teach people not to rape they make the assumption that the lesson goes: “Rape is bad. Don’t do it.” That is not what the lesson looks like. The lesson, once it is adopted, will be that every single person out there, regardless of any defining personal characteristics, is a human being of value, and with a right to make their own decisions about what bodily contact to have with others. There is nothing a person can do that makes them less deserving of that right. Violating any person’s right to control the when, what and who with of their sexual interactions is wrong. Do it and you will be punished, and you will deserve it.
N.B. While not all those who are raped are women, and not all rapists are men, much less rape apologists; rape prevention myths are always targeted at women, and this post reflects this. My language in the final paragraph is very consciously gender-neutral.
A woman’s worst nightmare? That’s pretty easy. Novelist Margaret Atwood writes that when she asked a male friend why men feel threatened by women, he answered, “They are afraid women will laugh at them.” When she asked a group of women why they feel threatened by men, they said, “We’re afraid of being killed.
[CW: discussion of rape culture and violence]
This reminds me of an article about online (heterosexual) dating that I read a while ago. It listed men’s and women’s worst fears about meeting someone from online. The highest ranked fear that men had was that their date would be fat, whereas the highest ranked fear that women had was that their date would turn out to be violent and kill them.
I think that says a lot.
Its interesting also that these fears sit subconsciously until woman are asked to exams their responses to men. We women will operate with this fear in mind, the way we protect ourselves, make sure our friends know where we are when we go on a date, words that we use while interacting with men, all in hopes they will not kill us, but simultaneously love us.
I think bell hooks made a point about this in her series on love. Something along the lines of how can women hope to love and receive love from men when at the foundation of our relationships there is this strong fear of men. You can’t build true trust when your foundation is crumbling under you.
The scariest part is, once you recognize this fear, and face it, how do you address it when there is evidence of “good” men abusing, hurting, and killing women everyday?
I was in my early 20’s when one of my homegirls broke this down for me.
I was in a broken relationship, and one of the things was that bugged me at the time was that the girlfriend at the time would freak out whenever I got angry - I never yelled, never throw or hit things, mostly, I just needed some time to cool out.
“Why does she get scared when I’m angry? I’d never hit her!”
“But she doesn’t KNOW that. She can’t assume that. Look at how many dudes are out there pulling shit.”
And that stuck with me for a hot minute. The relationship was broken on so many levels anyway, but that fact still remains, as a man, I can’t fault women for assuming the worst in order to protect themselves, especially how the world’s patriarchy and misogyny rolls.
I’ve had continual discussions with Tchy about this, and I don’t expect to stop. It’s fair to say that there’s no one in the world that I trust more, and he has been extremely careful with me, but… the fact remains that he leans quite a bit towards the masculine, and this means that that fear is always there. The news of transmasculine folks abusing/raping people doesn’t help that fear any. :(
I’m learning not to apologize for it. It’s not my fault (nor, really, is it his) that I’m scared of dude-type people. But it’s always there. Which is another reason why I get so pissed off when trans men try to make transmisogyny about them.
This is an incredible thread of responses. I’ve seen this quote before, but not the dialogue that built up around it. The part about loud=violent hits home particularly hard for me. I am terrified of getting into irl arguments with men, especially when they get loud. It’s always going to sit in the pit of my stomach.
That part resonates for me too, although from a completely different angle. Despite being more terrified of sexual violence than I am of anything other than my own brain, I do not hesitate to yell, confront, get up in the face of, threaten, even hit men twice my size and many times my strength. Faced with a threat of violence from men, I will either imply or state “I dare you to.”
I also, as previously established on this blog, have a death wish.
To me, that encapsulates everything about the violence, especially sexual violence, coded into relationships between men and women in our society: for a woman to assert herself in the face of maleness may require the woman in question (such as me) to be perpetually suicidal.
Reblogging for commentary. I have been frightened and scared by men being loud with me, even if I don’t think they’ll be violent. Like people have said above, it’s just a latent response in your brain to fear violence from men.
I went out to dinner with someone a couple of weeks ago (LONG story, was supposed to be a group dinner but it ended up just being me & a strange man) and I told him I blogged about feminism and politics, and he went off on me. He told me feelings were bullshit and women just wanted special privileges, and then he said, “Women don’t give men enough credit for not being violent psychopaths. That’s what we are, deep down. We want to rape and pillage, and we don’t, and women don’t give us enough credit for that.” I burst into tears. That shit was terrifying.
I too am reblogging this for the amazing commentary.
When supposed feminist ally men deny this very basic, simple truth - that’s how you know they are an ally to no one.
This all gets taught to women at a very young age, how dangerous the world is when you’re in it being a woman. I’ve been struggling to write about something that happened with my daughter a few weeks ago, how to form the words, but this is possibly the best context.
We were in the wine shop, in line to pay, and she was so excited to get her lollipop (in the time honored tradition of wine stores everywhere). A man two people ahead of us started fighting with the woman behind the counter about how much money he’d given her. As I was moving her behind my body, my daughter froze, and when I say froze, I mean wasn’t moving a muscle except to shake.
It sorted itself out pretty quickly. We paid and left.
Once we got back into the car, she started crying. I asked her what was the matter, and she said, “Mama, I was so scared. When men get angry they shoot people.”
That’s a direct quote. When men get angry, they shoot people.
I asked her, “Baby, why do you think that?” She replied, “on NPR, that’s what happens. When men get really mad they kill people. That guy was really mad, what if he had a gun? What would you do?”
The talk we had afterwards was difficult; no one said parenting was easy. But this is the life we live as women. If my 9 year old understands it, then men of the world, alleged feminist allies, Nice Guys, random douches on the street, and even actual non-dangerous men: so can you.
I’ve reblogged this quote before, I think. But reblogging now for the amazing commentary.
I was having a discussion with my father and brother the other day. We were talking about receiving threats of rape or violence via the internet. Their whole argument was “just ignore it and walk away from your computer”. Amazing solution. Can’t believe I never thought of that. It’s so clever because we all know that when you leave your keyboard the threat of violence disappears.
First image was before. Second image was after.
Our hearts are in #Daraya today… the amazing town where peaceful protesters marched carrying flowers and asked for freedom and dignity. Today, there were massacred mercilessly by the vicious #Assad regime.
In the news:
I have a hard time giving a shit about Pussy Riot when this kind of violence and disregard for human life still exists on earth.
I keep hearing all of this ableist bullshit about the “fairness” of “letting” Oscar Pistorius race in the Olympics and I just can’t.